What do I have in mind?

Salam w.b.t and hi everyone.

March 26 is nearly approaching. "What is it with the date?" some may ask.

It officially marks one year of me being unemployed.

When I look back and see how I had spent the last 365 days, I would say nothing significant has happened.

I am not yet married, of course, no man, let alone a kid. (What a cold joke, Atiqah!)

My mother is no longer working since a year ago.

I convinced my mother to quit her job because I was confident that I will able to get a job with steady income soon after graduating.

Automatically, all the responsibilities are shifted to my shoulder since then.

Unfortunately, it is not easy as I thought.

Setbacks, challenges, uncertainties come in my way in all directions. I am about to crush into pieces.

I already got my dream job, but not yet start working. Therefore, no income to support my family and myself.

Up to this day, we are living based on our savings and we are clearly run out of money.

We have been using up all our savings and we are about to reach our breaking point.

House, car, bills, foods, student loan, and other necessities.

I tell you what, it is daunting to think about this and in the meantime, helpless.

Everyday, before I go to sleep, I pray that tomorrow will be better for us.

Tomorrow will be the day I will hear a good news.

Everyday, after I woke up from sleep, I ask myself, "What can I do to lighten this burden on my shoulder?"

It is so heavy and yet painful.

People may questions, "Why don't you borrow some money or ask help from your relatives?"

Relatives, they are all gone when we are in difficulties. No one interested to hear our problems.

No one bother to ask and offer us help. They will only come when we are happy or they need help.

Thus, what is left is, myself, my mother, my two sisters, and our problems.

I am not being religious here, but my dependence to Allah S.W.T has been stronger since then.

Although most of the times I questioned Him, "Why is it so difficult for me to start working, settle down, and help my family?", "Why do I have to go through this situation?", "Why don’t He granted my prayers now?".

And the list of questions go on and on.

I often read or heard, "Allah S.W.T. is the best planner".

Generally, I do understand the phrase, however it is so hard for me to fathom it by heart.

The biggest factor may be due to my incapability to see the hikmah (lessons) yet.

People might repeated similar phrase over and over.

I, myself will surely repeat the same once I have learn the lessons.

But for now, there are mixed feelings in my heart. My head also could not think any other options other than going through this hardship.

I pray that I will be able to do something useful to wipe away my mother's worries and difficulties.

I pray that every moment will be better from the previous moment.

I pray that Allah S.W.T will help me to leave this waiting game soon.

Every human being is not free from being arrogant and doing mistakes, so am I.

However, I pray that Allah S.W.T will help me regardless of how bad I am.

Because one thing I do really know is, Allah S.W.T is the Rahman ( the Gracious) and Rahim (the Most Merciful).

P/S - Please pray the best for me. I hope everything is going well with you too, InsyaAllah