Tough times

Salam w.b.t and hello all,

 

How are you guys doing? I am not doing really good for the past two weeks. I start to feel like a hamster now, running in the circle. Keep doing it again, again, and again. Well, basically I will share what happened for the last couple of weeks.

 

My Wan (Grandmother)

My Wan, was admitted to the ICU on 10th September. At the beginning, she was brought to the hospital to get her bone fixed. However, once she was at the hospital, doctor detects multiple illnesses. Suddenly she went to coma for about one week. On Saturday, 17 Sept, stroke hit her straight to her brain. The chance was slim. I didn’t call my mother every day, but they updated me from time to time.

 

On Tuesday, my sister said my Wan opened her eyes and everyone thought she was gaining consciousness. My mom was really excited according to my sister. At 5 p.m., she passed away after saying, ''Allah''. And buried around midnight. I did not know about the passed away not until 9.30 pm UK Time (Approximately 4 a.m. Malaysian Time).

 

I did not feel anything for the first couple of minutes after reading the Whatsapp message from my mother. I knew I cannot do anything, as things already happened and I am in Aberdeen instead of being with my family. I emailed my manager to take a day off and then after I feel the lost. I cried and read Yassin for my beloved Wan. I haven't speak to my mother ever since. She needs time.

 

So, that’s about it. I can't imagine how is everyone doing now.

Wan, she made big part of my life after my father passed away.

I hope you can send prayers, Al-Fatihah to my grandmother.

 

Training in US

I was supposed to attend the 7-weeks training in Houston which started on 12th September. However, the processing time for visa to enter US has been extended. They need to do extra administration process, basically background check. I gave all information required such as travel history, siblings, parents, etc. I know where this is heading. The fear of some kind of terrorist whatsoever.

 

At the moment, I am still in Aberdeen and I was advised to forget about the training. Go for the next one. If this happened, I will be idling for another year. Well, not doing nothing exactly. But doing the same thing that I have been doing for the past 10 months. That’s why I feel like I am a tiny hamster running on the wheel and I am sick of it.

You can go as fast as you can, but you are going nowhere. Irony

 

Changes

Following to the inability of me to attend the training, they are planning several changes for me. The HR is talking about changing me to another segment that has training center outside of the US. I detested the idea of changing the segment at first and I did not even take it seriously. After a while, the HR discussed about it with me again. And after thinking it seriously, I said, ''Let's go for it''.

 

It is human nature to afraid of changes. I am aware of it. In my opinion, being in a comfortable zone makes people afraid to changes. That’s what I feel now, I am in my comfortable zone now. Exactly like a hamster.

 

I don’t know the outcome yet, and I don’t know what lies ahead, but I pray and hope the very best will happen. 

 

Getaway

I feel like to escape to somewhere. I didn’t know where to exactly. After a quick reading on the internet this morning, I think, ''Glasgow then''.

 

Therefore, I booked a hotel located right in the Glasgow city center. The weather in Glasgow tomorrow will be cloudy and raining. Actually, before this if I want to go somewhere or do things, I will always give excuses to myself. Save money, weather, no friend, busy, etc. For this time, ''For once, just let's do it'', I said to myself. So I booked a hotel. A bit expensive because I did book at last minute.

 

I will share the travel in another entry.

 

Friends

I have nobody here. I missed all my friends which are far, far away in Malaysia. Honestly, I miss being surrounded with friends that understand me inside out, even though not many actually. I can count using my one hand only, don’t need two hands. I love it when no one judge me :)

 

I miss friends who will keep reminding me to do good deeds, dakwah, tarbiyah, and look after each other.

 

Feel a bit missing when saw pictures on Facebook, IG, friends hanging out together, weddings, getaway, etc. I don’t think I am being missed. Haha…

 

I think that’s all from me for now. Quite a long entry, don’t you think? So yeah, that’s me. I will update again in the future.

 

Salam w.b.t and take care all.

 

P/S - Undervalue can no longer injure a human, it has evolved to kill them silently

"Akak memang lain dari orang lain"

Salam w.b.t and hello everybody.

How are you guys doing? I am doing great! Actually, I was a little bit under the weather. I started having fever last Wednesday, but managed to finish my day at work. On Thursday, I thought I am getting better, but I was not. Fever, runny nose, sore throat, cough, chest pain, but I still came to work. Dave (FSM) and Graeme (senior engineer) told me, "Siti, if you feel crap, just go home". Another David, insisted me to go home. I did not want to stay at home because I have nothing to do at home. However, I end up went home around 10 am as I cannot act cool with my croak voice. Hahaha…

On Friday, I took a leave as well. I was really sick because I stayed in bed from most of the time, while watching movies. Hahaha…No way I am going to stay still on my bed. Movies and books.

On Saturday, even though not fully recovered I decided to go out. I went to Dunnottar Castle again and bought groceries. My mates at work invited me to join them in the city watching football and chill out together. I don’t know why I did not go. I don’t know because I thought I want to go at first.

This time, I managed to enter the castle. Weather nice. View is spectacular.

Today, I cleaned the house, did some gardening at the backyard, also managed to finish reading an action book written by James Patterson. Now, I am sitting down at my desk writing this entry.

Honestly, it has been tough time for me for the last couple of weeks. Right now, I have ME-time, four days although I am a bit sick. I appreciate it very, very much. I lost motivation, this time for a good reason (I will share later), and when it happened, I don’t know what to do and what to feel. Most of the time, I felt angry. Being angry is so exhausted. I lost my focus and unhappy.

Therefore, many things happened when I was not myself. Quite hard though. Therefore, having four days alone gives me time and space to think properly. I called my mother last Wednesday, I shared with her everything that bother me, and compared why others don’t experience difficulties I am going through, why and why.

All my mother can say was, "Sabar lah. Akak memang lain dari yang lain sejak dulu. Dulu, masa kawan-kawan akak sambung belajar, akak kerja. Orang buat ini, akak buat sekian, sekian. Sabarlah. Bila tiba masanya, ada jalan keluar tu. Cari motivasi, jangan putus asa. Jangan layan hilang semangat tu lama-lama".

Translation: Be patient. Since beginning, you are always different from others. When your friends pursued studies, you started working. People do this, you do that and that. So, be patient. When the time comes, I am sure you will find the way out. Get motivated and don’t give up. Stop feeling demotivated.

I totally agree with her. Therefore, I am trying to find my spirit to move me forward. Thinking about it, actually nothing is stopping or dragging me down in reality. It is just myself feeling shite. I just need to find the way to get myself moving and for a start, stop whining and be positive!

Yeap, that’s it from me now. Gambatte! Hahaha… I will write again in the future. Take care folks.

Salam w.b.t. and see you later.

 

P/S - I am thinking to go to Budapest or Barcelona during Christmas and New Year Holiday. But I don’t have plan in place. Anyone???