It is no longer exciting

Salam w.b.t and hello guys,
If you noticed, this is my third entry for this year. I have been thinking and spending some amount of time in writing.
I am at the land rig, by the way since 29th Jan. I am here with Donnique, she is a new trainee. This is her third job after she arrived in Qatar, and her second hitch with me. She is fine, and still learning. Keep going as I keep telling her.
Do the job, make mistakes, learn from it. It was tough for me at the start to train a brand spanking new trainee, but it is fine.
Anyway, I am not writing to talk about the trainees. I would like to talk about what has been bothering me for the last 2-3 months.
I think I am starting to live in a routine, again. If you remember, 3 years back I had the same situation and I shared it on my blog. If you don’t know what I am talking about, here is the link: Tough Times
What I am doing right now as a field engineer starts to make me bored, truth to be told.
This is the same thing I have been feeling, and it is about to enter the third month.
You see, I am working as a field engineer based in Doha.
Overall, prepare the tools, tool calibrations, wait for any calls for job, then go to the rig, work. At the rig site, as usual drilling operation with I am doing 12-hours shift. Work for 12-hours shift, deal with whatever I have to deal, and finish my shift. Then go back to sleep.
The cycle continues….for how long? 2-3 weeks if it is a complete well.
Then go back to Doha repeat the cycle.
It starts to become a routine.
During the first year in Qatar (2017), I felt everything was very new and I was so busy in catching up with the jobs, meeting expectations, and all. So, I did not feel it as a routine.
Then, came a second year (2018), it was ok. Started to do the job on my own and understood most of the stuffs. Not a big struggle, workwise. However, half of my second year was influenced by my family. My sister was unwell, had to go for surgery, emergency leave, taking care of my mother, she is also a bit unwell now. I also had a muscle spasm at my neck and limited my movement as it affected my physical movement. It was painful. At the time, my job was like a background process. Yeah, I need money to support my life, but at this point I started to think "Is it really worth it?". Am I going to be like this for the next 2-3 years?
Now is my third year. I am starting to feel everything is no longer exciting. I mean everything. Job, Doha, people, money, environment. Everything.
I have been questioning, is this what I want to do for the next 1 month? 2 months? 6 months? Am I going to go through the same cycle again and again until year ends if I am lucky?
It starts to feel the same, I don’t feel the challenges anymore as I can read and already have my expectations of what will happen. I tried to push myself further, learn more, get promotion, increase in salary that kind of thing, but no.
I have tried many times.
Put money as my motivation - No success. I am not saying I don’t need money. But, whatever I earn right now is enough if I spend it wisely. So, money is no longer become my first and strong pulling factor.
I already voiced out my desire for relocation to my mentor so called manager, Farhat. At first, I explained I want to learn new things, tools, work with different clients as I already start to feel bored at the current client. Same politics, same people, same thing. This makes me to enter the comfort zone, and for me it is really scary. As that when I will start taking things easily and make mistakes.
If I am a good engineer at what I am doing, that’s good. However, my potential is not fully stretched yet.
I want to go somewhere else, different people, new environment, new challenges, and learn new things. Send me for loan to another locations, outside of Qatar, wherever. If there is no other place, it is ok, I can go back to Malaysia. However, I still want to work outside of Malaysia for another 2-3 years.
Deep inside me, I really want to move to Australia in particular, Perth. I miss this place so much. I don’t know why, but every time I think about this place, it makes my eyes teary. Even right now when writing it. I think as I grow older, I start to become emotional easily :')
Unfortunately, relocation is not an immediate solution and the way I see it, it is really far for me to reach it and frankly, I don’t even know if this is possible. Therefore, it hardly motivates me to keep going.
All in all, I have lost my motivations. I could not find any driving factors to push me forward.
Therefore, I do what I am doing just because I am doing it.
The last thing excited me was my time in Istanbul. In particular, the moment I stood at Halic Station where I can see overall of Istanbul. That was the moment I confirmed to myself, I made a right decision of coming here. That was the last time I felt full, last 19th January. 
I am in dilemma, really am. I am thinking to take unpaid leave for some time and embark on self-discovery journey, leave all these behind, try to figure out what I want to do and understand more about myself.
I don’t know.
I am lost. That’s affirmative.

Gonna get over you

Salam w.b.t and hello all,
I would like to share one song I have been listening for the last couple of weeks.

Nothing fancy, I like the dance and how she enjoying herself dancing around like none cares.
Enjoy, and dance even it is raining.

A great time at home

Salam w.b.t and hi all,

This is one of the entries I should have published weeks ago. This is about how I managed to get a last minute holiday.

###

After all the rig days.

Still need to standby at the other rig while waiting for client to officially declare Lost in Hole. Waiting game on for days and yesterday afternoon after having-more-than-enough-sleep, drop an email to my manager.

 "I need time off for couple of days". And basically, the answer is no.

 Ok fine. Nothing to discuss then.

 "Screw everything". Hahaha...

 8 PM, pull myself together to stand my ground as per senior's nagging me, finally call my manager.

 "I need holiday from now for one week - 7days"

 "Where are you going? In Doha or out of Qatar? Why? Urgent?....And list goes on, on, and on.

 Put my answers short and precise as per senior's instruction while he was standing behind me.

 At the other end, sh*t, oh man, bla bla bla.

 Finally, "You have 5 days".

 Ok. That's good enough and told my senior about it.

 He said, don't bother. Make it 7.

I called my mother, 3 AM Malaysian time, telling her about me going home and I had to use her credit card to pay the flight ticket since I left all my cards in Doha. I was still at the rig, remember?

Less than 24 hours later on 13 April, I flew home. The ticket was really expensive, but money means nothing when my heart is nowhere to be found apart from home. On the flight, I felt unbelievable that I am going home.

I miss home, I miss my comfort zone, and the warmth of being with my beloved ones.

I miss being in the place I know, where I know I will be safe.

Qatar is nothing, apart from work. It is time for me to re-energized and go home.

I told none about my homecoming, only my mother and sisters. I just want a personal time. However, I was still working at home. Finishing the control cards, preparation for the school. Regardless, I had a great time by being at home. Nothing can beat that.

My mother cooked most of my favourite foods, buy all the local delicacies, and many things. Foods are one of the things I miss so much. Nasi Lemak, Apam Balik, Cendol, Sambal Sotong, Sambal Cili Api, and many more. You will never get any of these here in Qatar. 

On 19 April, I flew back to Qatar and came back to work on the next day.

The next day, my manager asked me how was my holiday. I said to him, "I should have ask for 2 weeks". He was like, "Bluergh".

50 pence

Salam w.b.t and hi all,

How are you doing? I would like to share a story what happened to me yesterday. I hired a driving instructor to teach me to drive before taking my practical driving test for UK driving license. Currently, I am using my international driving license but it will expired early of December. My driving test will be in early of November, and I need to be prepared.

Therefore, yesterday was the second class by this instructor. I will just name him as SN. He charges me £33.00 per hour lesson. Ok, I am fine with it although it is a bit expensive. Yesterday was one and half hour lesson, therefore the price would be £33.00 + £16.5 = £49.50. The transaction was made in cash, pay before the lesson starts. I knew the price but I intently asked him, ''How long the lesson and how much?''

SN answered, ''That would be £50.00''.

''Oh wait, I thought it would be £49.50 for 1.5 hours'', I said

''Well normally I will just round it up. It is just 50 pence. Do you need that 50 pence, seriously?''

I passed him £50, ''Oh yeah, I need it. I am not posh, and I am working, even though it is 50 pence''.

He passed £2.00 to me, ''I don’t have change''.

''I have the change here. There it is £1.50''.

''There you go. You get your 50 pence. You can go buy a bar of chocolate with that'', SN said.

''Oh aye. I will buy it after the lesson. That’s the plan''.

He just scoffed.

It was a bit annoying to me. I am not stingy, but in some situations, you have to be professional. Besides, I am working just like him. I did not get the money from my poo.

Let me put this way. If you go to the KFC, and the price of the meal you buy is £6.20. Then, you just pay £6.00 and do you expect the cashier will let you get away together with the meals?

No, I don’t think so.

This is similar situation, you have to be professional instead of ridiculing the person.

Well, unless the person says, ''Keep the change'', so you can keep it.

I felt irritated but I don’t care. Yesterday was probably the last lesson I had with him.

P/S - Oh man. I look forward to the next best thing. I watched Deepwater Horizon last Sunday. It was a really great movie, I am telling you. You must watch it. I think I will include the movie review in my blog entries in the future.

Tough times

Salam w.b.t and hello all,

 

How are you guys doing? I am not doing really good for the past two weeks. I start to feel like a hamster now, running in the circle. Keep doing it again, again, and again. Well, basically I will share what happened for the last couple of weeks.

 

My Wan (Grandmother)

My Wan, was admitted to the ICU on 10th September. At the beginning, she was brought to the hospital to get her bone fixed. However, once she was at the hospital, doctor detects multiple illnesses. Suddenly she went to coma for about one week. On Saturday, 17 Sept, stroke hit her straight to her brain. The chance was slim. I didn’t call my mother every day, but they updated me from time to time.

 

On Tuesday, my sister said my Wan opened her eyes and everyone thought she was gaining consciousness. My mom was really excited according to my sister. At 5 p.m., she passed away after saying, ''Allah''. And buried around midnight. I did not know about the passed away not until 9.30 pm UK Time (Approximately 4 a.m. Malaysian Time).

 

I did not feel anything for the first couple of minutes after reading the Whatsapp message from my mother. I knew I cannot do anything, as things already happened and I am in Aberdeen instead of being with my family. I emailed my manager to take a day off and then after I feel the lost. I cried and read Yassin for my beloved Wan. I haven't speak to my mother ever since. She needs time.

 

So, that’s about it. I can't imagine how is everyone doing now.

Wan, she made big part of my life after my father passed away.

I hope you can send prayers, Al-Fatihah to my grandmother.

 

Training in US

I was supposed to attend the 7-weeks training in Houston which started on 12th September. However, the processing time for visa to enter US has been extended. They need to do extra administration process, basically background check. I gave all information required such as travel history, siblings, parents, etc. I know where this is heading. The fear of some kind of terrorist whatsoever.

 

At the moment, I am still in Aberdeen and I was advised to forget about the training. Go for the next one. If this happened, I will be idling for another year. Well, not doing nothing exactly. But doing the same thing that I have been doing for the past 10 months. That’s why I feel like I am a tiny hamster running on the wheel and I am sick of it.

You can go as fast as you can, but you are going nowhere. Irony

 

Changes

Following to the inability of me to attend the training, they are planning several changes for me. The HR is talking about changing me to another segment that has training center outside of the US. I detested the idea of changing the segment at first and I did not even take it seriously. After a while, the HR discussed about it with me again. And after thinking it seriously, I said, ''Let's go for it''.

 

It is human nature to afraid of changes. I am aware of it. In my opinion, being in a comfortable zone makes people afraid to changes. That’s what I feel now, I am in my comfortable zone now. Exactly like a hamster.

 

I don’t know the outcome yet, and I don’t know what lies ahead, but I pray and hope the very best will happen. 

 

Getaway

I feel like to escape to somewhere. I didn’t know where to exactly. After a quick reading on the internet this morning, I think, ''Glasgow then''.

 

Therefore, I booked a hotel located right in the Glasgow city center. The weather in Glasgow tomorrow will be cloudy and raining. Actually, before this if I want to go somewhere or do things, I will always give excuses to myself. Save money, weather, no friend, busy, etc. For this time, ''For once, just let's do it'', I said to myself. So I booked a hotel. A bit expensive because I did book at last minute.

 

I will share the travel in another entry.

 

Friends

I have nobody here. I missed all my friends which are far, far away in Malaysia. Honestly, I miss being surrounded with friends that understand me inside out, even though not many actually. I can count using my one hand only, don’t need two hands. I love it when no one judge me :)

 

I miss friends who will keep reminding me to do good deeds, dakwah, tarbiyah, and look after each other.

 

Feel a bit missing when saw pictures on Facebook, IG, friends hanging out together, weddings, getaway, etc. I don’t think I am being missed. Haha…

 

I think that’s all from me for now. Quite a long entry, don’t you think? So yeah, that’s me. I will update again in the future.

 

Salam w.b.t and take care all.

 

P/S - Undervalue can no longer injure a human, it has evolved to kill them silently

Jangan putus-asa

Lelah terasa diri ini sejak dua menjak ni.


Penat berusaha mencapai ekspektasi.


Mengah memaksa diri untuk mendaki tangga kejayaan.


Sering-kali terjatuh, tersungkur, bergolek-golek.


Bukan tak biasa tersungkur.


Bukan tak pernah rasa kecewa.


Bukan tak pernah menangis kerana gagal.


Tapi entahlah.


Setiap peristiwa itu unik.


Bukan boleh kata, "Oh, aku pernah kecewa bulan lepas. Sama ja. Tak payahlah nangis".


Tak sama.


Setiap kali, tak sama.


Penat, memang diakui sejujurnya.


Penat, lelah, mengah memaksa diri mengorak langkah.


Menaiki anak-anak tangga ke puncak.


Tetapi memikirkan, "Ah, tak lama lagi ni sampailah kita ke puncak".


"Sabar lah diri. Jangan putus asa. Tak mengapa kalau tersungkur buat kesekian kali. Tak mengapa menangis kecewa, menangislah. Tiada siapa larang".


"Selepas hilang kesedihan itu, kukuhkan tapak kaki. Kuatkan hati dan doa. Jangan putus harap, usaha".


"Pasti kejayaan menanti bagi mereka yang tidak berputus-asa".




The Pier, St. Andrews, Fife

Quick Life Update 6

Salam w.b.t and hi all. 

Foos ur doos? Me, I pecking. (Well-done you if you managed to understand it without Mr. Google assistance)

It is been a while.

I would like to give a quick update about myself here.

 

1. Technically, I am busy with work. Talking about work, it is not that so difficult work to do, it is just a lot. I had to spend some times and need a lot of patience.
2. REMAIN FOCUS AND MOTIVATED, things I have been struggling for a while. I need a booster!
3. My sleeping pattern last couple of days was so fucked up. I slept at 7 pm, woke at 2 am. Slept at 8 pm, woke up at 3 pm. I dinnae ken why. Probably, the sun started to rise early as here is early of spring. Basically, Subuh is around 4 am.
4. First time I need to speed forward my clock 1 hour ahead due to Daylight Saving. It started last two days. I was like a neap, asking people at the office about this as I was freaked out if I miss my bus to work.
5. I will visit Kak Hani in Netherlands next Thursday. I will spend 4 days, 3 nights day. Hopefully all will go well, and I will share the experience once I got back, InsyaAllah. Please pray everything will go well :) Thanks.
6. Colleagues at work, some are nice while some are not. Well, we are all human being. Nobody perfect including myself.
7. Oh My English. My language is so terrible. I believe, it depends on my mood. I realised, I can speak English properly if I feel like talking. Other than that, it is like shite. I need to learn to control myself better.
8. I don’t know when I want to go back to Malaysia for holiday. I don’t have any plan yet.
9. It feels lonely sometimes. Actually, most of the times. Looking at others who are their girlfriend, boyfriend, partner, husband, wife, kids, and dogs. Me, just with myself. I won't deny, it is tough being alone here, at the corner of the world.

So, that’s all from me now. Hope you are doing well.

Salam w.b.t and chow. 

P/S - Excuse my French

"Are you doing alright?"

Salam w.b.t and hello folks.

 

When at work, people will ask me, "Are you doing alright?"

 

This question is similarly like asking, "How are you doing?", "Are you doing good?", in Scottish/Aberdeen style.

 

I will normally nodded and smile. Yes, I always put smiley face.

 

I seldom being open to people, only to certain person I can be honest. However, the personnel who I like to share and listen to is absent. He is on leave for couple of weeks, I guess.

 

And today, another personnel asked me, "Are you alright?".

 

As usual, I nodded and smiled. Seriously, as usual and I hardly shake my head to say things are not okay for me.

 

He basically said, "You smile, so you are doing alright".

 

What he failed to realise was, the level of sincerity of my smile. It complicated and confusing, right? I know, this is what woman does, make stuffs complicated.

 

Listening to his respond, it hits me.

 

Generally, people assume me, smile = alright.

 

I don’t blame them.

 

Then, I reflected myself. I am not doing alright lately and I am not being honest to others.

 

Most importantly, I am not being honest to myself.

 

I have been struggling a bit, in many aspects. Lately, it is just that I find it is difficult to keep myself focus and motivated. I don’t know what are the factors and why, but it happens.

 

I don’t want to make a big deal out of it, so I pretend I can handle it and - smile.

 

Act like nothing bothering me, with hope that time will swallow all things that distracting me.

 

I came across this phrase several days ago. It best describes what I feel and what am trying to do.

 

 Putting shitload aside, and try to live.

Also, several days ago, I said to a colleague, "I hit the bed early last night, because somebody pissed me off and I don't want to say a name".

His reply was, "I can't imagine your reaction when you are angry".

You see here, I smile a lot and people can't picture how am I going to react when I am mad. Yeah, I am still new here and old friends who know me understand how I react when I am angry.

 

P/S - I find it is hard to find a good listener. Pheww.... La tahzan :)

2015, In A Nutshell

Salam w.b.t and hi all.

How are you guys been doing? Alhamdulillah, I am doing fine here. As we all know, 2016 is just around the corner. Time flies fast, I mean, really fast.

Time is gold. En route to Aberdeen from Paris

I remember the time I happy, cried, disappointed for various of things. The memories are still fresh, like it just happened yesterday.

A lot of things have happened. A lot of things have changed. Well, we are not living in a static world, are we?

In my head, I have many things to share on this blog but as usual, I don’t know what to start with. Thus, I think I will just share the highlights of events happened in my 2015 calendar.

 

Start working with SLB

It was exhaustive wait. People might know I am working in Aberdeen, but not everyone knows, how? After Australia, they changed my posting to Indonesia. Unfortunately, my work Indonesia visa did not approve as I did not meet the age requirement. I was 23 at the time. Then, the recruiter made drastic changes, he changed my segment and the posting location. I need to go for all the interview processes, all over again. As they can't simply assign me without knowing my capabilities.

I went to Labuan, again. Hehehe…I took it as a vacation.

Sunset view from staff house in Labuan

Making new friends

I make new friends. I work at Sepen, I make new friends there. You know what, during my last day of employment I cried. A colleague said to me, "Chill man, you just work 6 months here. So, chillex". Hahaha…



My last meeting with Sepen folks

Also, I make new friends in Paris. All are SLB new hired, we met in Paris during OFS-1. I never be in one room with so many nationalities, around 20 nationalities from around the world. Only me from Malaysia. I was quite scare at first, like my English is not so fluent. But, things sorted out well.

The largest batch in 2015 for EAF geomarket, they said

I have new friend here, her name is Kanoon. We are based in Aberdeen but stay at different staff house. Despite of different segment, we contact each other as we are still trying to settle down in Aberdeen. Actually, got several other trainees posted to Aberdeen, but I don’t have the pictures with them.

Me and Kanoon, she is from Thailand

I am sure I will meet more people in the future. I need to improve my social skills and also English, seriously. Haish…I am so not good at mingling around with people.

Miss old friends

I miss my friends, all of my friends although I am not being nice to everyone. I did not have a chance to meet up before I depart to the UK. Seriously folks. I miss you guys. All of you. I don’t want to specify the names, because it will be a very, very long list.



Friends

Therefore, I am extremely grateful and over the moon when some old friends randomly PM on Facebook. I really mean it. You know, when you are far from home, and your friends message to say hi, it is a great feeling. The feelings are like, "Owh man, this person still remember me. What a surprise!", "I have someone to talk to. Yuhuu!!".

Hahaha

Well, I know it is from Facebook, but still it is a great thing when the person still has guts to say hi to others.

 

New place, new environment, and being far from home

Home is where the heart is.

I don’t know how to describe this. But my adapting skill are being test to a whole new level. Freezing cold weather, sunlight for less than 5 hours a day, cultures, job, Scottish accent, foods, and many more. It is not easy I am telling you.

Apart from weather, their Scottish accent is quite a challenge for me

I am still adapting and it is challenging.

Despite of all the challenges, I always pray that I will never forget my responsibilities as His servant, my responsibilities as a daughter of my mother, and always stay down to earth. If I am changing, I hope that I am changing in a good way to become a better person.

Feel a "little bit" homesick at the moment

Experienced various of feelings

 

2015 is quite emotional year for me. Hahaha…I experienced various of feelings and emotions throughout the year compared to years before. I learn from the experiences, which kind of helping me to become a mature adult. Wihihihihi

Smile, do and pray for the best

Resolutions

I am learning from the past. I am drafting my 2016 resolutions, in my head. Hahaha….I haven't make my resolutions for the next year. Aiyaa….

But I have a personal diary already. My sister, angah gave it to me as a present. Wahaha…I am sure having a diary is a good start, isn't?

One iron woman, three daughters



I think that’s all I have on my mind at the moment. I hope we all will be successful in everything we do, and achieve success in this world and hereafter, InsyaAllah.

 

So folks, that’s it for now. I will write again in the future. As usual, take a good care of yourself.

 

Salam w.b.t and chow!

 

P/S - Great things are not easy to achieve, need a special formula and most important thing is PATIENCE

 

Another Year, Another Number

Salam w.b.t and hi all.

Reaching 24 years old on the last three days, I get to know myself better.

Trust

I trust people easily, new friends and even a stranger. Yes, I am an idiot for trusting people easily. Every time I meet a new friend, I would love to think they are like a baby. You know, they are ‘white’, pure, nice and no bad side. Yeah, too ambitious right? Anyhow, that is how I want people to think of me, positive. Treat others like how we want to be treated, shall we?

Unfortunately, too much trust I give to people has taken its toll on me. Many events, but it is better to keep it to myself. My mother always advised me to be careful, different people have different heart. However, with the increase of my age, I am learning about people and from my experience. Hopefully, I will be wiser each day.

Style, Fashion, and Me.

Goodbye fashion and style. I am a cave girl. Jajajaja…

When I am angry,

When I am angry, I will be quiet. It is not I don’t have anything to say, it is I am trying extremely hard to stop bad words which are racing hard to get out from my mouth. Otherwise, I will kill others with my words, which I don’t fancy to.

When I am envy,

When I am envy to a specific person, I would not talk to that person for a certain amount of time. I would say I am taking some time to persuade or "pujuk" my heart. Weird, right? That’s how woman deals with her broken heart, I guess.

When I am waiting,

I cannot deal with a lateness or waiting for someone/something that is late. My blood will be pumped very, very, very fast when this happen. Impatient, yes I am. But, when you said meeting at 3 pm, 3 pm it is. It is not that at 3 pm you just started moving your ass from your chair. Understand?

I am stubborn.

This is a fact. I can tolerate on certain things, and also got certain things which I could not tolerate. For example, when you force me to do something I don't want. Let me give you an example, a colleague asked me to go somewhere to monitor the project progress. This fella kept forcing me, I don’t want. When I said I don’t want, means I don’t want. Period.

Anyway, I don’t blame this fella, it is in my DNA to against when people pushing me. But, it takes some arts if you want me to do something which against my willingness. People who understands me know the arts I mentioned.

I am not good in terms of social life

I am not good at maintaining relationship with others. I don’t know why, but when I befriended with a similar person for a long time, I will get boring. Let say, I meet that person every single day for six months straight, I will be boring. Seriously dull. I need to meet people, meet new people. I still got friends, but not many. Anyway, based on an online personality test, I am an introvert kind of person.

I think that online test was a fake. So, dear my future husband if you are reading this, believe me, the test was not genuine.

Routine

Falling into same routine every single day will kill me slowly. Nevertheless, at the moment I am trying my best to make myself calm and composed. I would love to see and experience something extraordinary every single day. So that I can reflect what I have gone through before I go to sleep and think what can be done better next time.

I think that’s all I want to share about myself. Some may take this entry as a way to understand me better, like understanding the reasons why Atiqah is so annoying. Some others may take this as disadvantage to manipulate me. Yeah, whatever.

Either way, I hope you have fun reading this. Hehehe…

Salam w.b.t and chow!

P/S – Who got extra money and don’t know how to spend it? Please, bank it to my account. I need money. PM me for details J

Harga Diri

Salam w.b.t dan hai semua.

Perasan tak?

Dalam kehidupan seharian kita, kita pasti akan ketemu dengan orang yang mesti kena berteman. Kalau tak berteman, atau dilihat keseorangan, mesti dianggap macam pelik atau kera sumbang, pada firasat dia.

Sebab itu, ada sesetengah orang akan berusaha gila-gila untuk membuatkan dirinya diterima dalam kelompok orang ramai.

Misalnya, seorang pemuda pada asalnya berambut hitam sisir tepi, dan berpakaian kemas apabila keluar bertemu rakan-rakan. Tetapi, bagi memastikan dia dikira sebagai “geng” dan nampak kamceng dengan kawan-kawannya, maka mulalah mengubah penampilannya.

Contohnya, rambut perang, pakaian pun ala-ala hipster, itu tak kira lagi lenggok bahasanya.

“Sial”, “Bodoh”, “Fuck”, dan lain-lain sering meniti di bibir, kononnya, barulah dikatakan COOL.

Pemudi pun tak dapat lari dari senario ini.

Kalau sebelum ini, rambut hitam lurus dan berpakaian sopan seperti kebanyakan gadis Melayu. Namun, nak mengelakkan diri tergolong dalam golongan kebanyakan, maka diubahlah penampilannya. Diwarnakan, dipakaikan topi ala-ala musim winter di atas kepala, disarungnnya skinny jeans. Kemudian, dilaunglah sekuat-kuatnya, “Aku UNIK”.

Golongan Muslimah pun tak terkecuali. Lahirlah Hijabster, Turban-ster, Kpop-ster. Macam-macam lah, -ster. Iyalah…mengikut peredaran zaman. Tidak mahulah dikatakan perempuan Muslimah ini jumud dan terkebelakang.

Itu baru dari segi penampilan. Hakikatnya, banyak aspek dalam diri manusia diubahsuai hanya untuk memastikan diri diterima dalam kelompok tertentu.

Hairan. Begitu mudah terpengaruh..

Kagum. Begitu banyak usaha, material, dan wang terbuang hanya untuk membuatkan diri diterima masuk dalam kalangan yang dikatakan, “GENG”.

Ya, mungkin juga masih mencari identiti diri. Mencarilah, kerana ia tak pernah dilarang.

Namun, janganlah dikorbankan perkara yang satu ini.

Iaitu, harga diri.

P/S – Kerana dirimu begitu berharga ;D

Anxiety

Salam w.b.t and hello folks,

Recently, I have difficulties to breath. I can feel my heartbeats become irregular. Also, I can feel my heart like wants to pop out from my chest. Sometimes I feel a headache. These symptoms does not happen at all time, but it takes place once in a while. I thought it was due to the haze that happens in Malaysia.

So, last two nights, I went to a clinic.

I explained to the doctor and she also checked my blood pressure, pulse rate, oxygen level, and others. From her finding, everything seems normal. The oxygen I breathe is around 99 percent, which is normal.

Then I asked her, “Why sometimes I feel my heart was pumping so fast and it was like the heart wants to tear my chest and get out? Is it possible because of the air quality currently caused my situation?

The doctor said, “Well, according to the readings here, all is normal. Maybe what caused you felt like that is the anxiety. However, I will give a medicine to enhance your breathing flow”.

“Owh, ok”, I replied.

Then I went out and waiting for my medicine.

Since then, I keep wondering. Yeah, wondering. Why do I feel those?

I think the doctor might be right.

Anxiety.

I will add some more.

Worry.

Afraid.

Most of them are negative feelings.

I think I spent most of my times by feeling anxious and worrying.

I have been distressing on many things at most of the times. I can feel my health starts deteriorating lately although it is unable to be proven on medical aspect. I don’t know, I just can feel it and I cannot help to avoid from feeling it.

I dislike it when I am in anxious state. It makes me grumpy, feeling I-don’t-care, and always want to say “fuck-off” to people. But the “fuck-off” thing did not exactly come out from my mouth, instead I said, “I don’t care, you settle this thing on your own”, which is not usually my style at work.

Therefore, judging on my conditions, I requested for 2 days leave from work from the doctor. Unfortunately, she only gave me one. Then, it is fine by me. One is better than nothing.

Yesterday, I just rested at home. It did not help much because last night, the syndromes I mentioned before attacked me. I did not feel comfortable, I kept changing places. From room at the back, to the front, to the kitchen, toilet and other rooms. To avoid my mother from asking, I pretending move here and there while doing some stuffs. This went on for like 20 minutes, and lastly I decided to try to sleep.

Yes, I manage to sleep but with tonnes of anxiety.

I don’t know what to do.

I know, as a Muslim turn to Allah SWT and seek His help. But yeah I think this might be His call for me to come back to him…but still, I can’t help it.

I think I need a break and take a short vacation to somewhere peace.

I really need to find a piece of mind, motivation, and new spirit.

P/S – Nothing interesting to ps. Oh got one, I just finished reading the Martian. Interesting story, the author maybe someone who used to work at NASA.

Apa yang Kau Tahu

Sering kau suruh aku ikut telunjuk kau,

Kerap kau paksa aku patuh arahan kau,

Kau kata kau lebih tahu,

Kau bilang kau lebih dulu menjamah garam,

Maka, “Ikut aku!”

Gertak.

Apa kau fikir aku takut,

Apa kau ingat aku akan mengikut kau,

Seperti lembu dicucuk hidung,

Aku manusia,

Punya kepala,

Ada hati,

Berjiwa raga,

Aku berhak buat pilihan,

Tanpa gangguan dan godaan,

Dari engkau,

Setan.