"Akak memang lain dari orang lain"

Salam w.b.t and hello everybody.

How are you guys doing? I am doing great! Actually, I was a little bit under the weather. I started having fever last Wednesday, but managed to finish my day at work. On Thursday, I thought I am getting better, but I was not. Fever, runny nose, sore throat, cough, chest pain, but I still came to work. Dave (FSM) and Graeme (senior engineer) told me, "Siti, if you feel crap, just go home". Another David, insisted me to go home. I did not want to stay at home because I have nothing to do at home. However, I end up went home around 10 am as I cannot act cool with my croak voice. Hahaha…

On Friday, I took a leave as well. I was really sick because I stayed in bed from most of the time, while watching movies. Hahaha…No way I am going to stay still on my bed. Movies and books.

On Saturday, even though not fully recovered I decided to go out. I went to Dunnottar Castle again and bought groceries. My mates at work invited me to join them in the city watching football and chill out together. I don’t know why I did not go. I don’t know because I thought I want to go at first.

This time, I managed to enter the castle. Weather nice. View is spectacular.

Today, I cleaned the house, did some gardening at the backyard, also managed to finish reading an action book written by James Patterson. Now, I am sitting down at my desk writing this entry.

Honestly, it has been tough time for me for the last couple of weeks. Right now, I have ME-time, four days although I am a bit sick. I appreciate it very, very much. I lost motivation, this time for a good reason (I will share later), and when it happened, I don’t know what to do and what to feel. Most of the time, I felt angry. Being angry is so exhausted. I lost my focus and unhappy.

Therefore, many things happened when I was not myself. Quite hard though. Therefore, having four days alone gives me time and space to think properly. I called my mother last Wednesday, I shared with her everything that bother me, and compared why others don’t experience difficulties I am going through, why and why.

All my mother can say was, "Sabar lah. Akak memang lain dari yang lain sejak dulu. Dulu, masa kawan-kawan akak sambung belajar, akak kerja. Orang buat ini, akak buat sekian, sekian. Sabarlah. Bila tiba masanya, ada jalan keluar tu. Cari motivasi, jangan putus asa. Jangan layan hilang semangat tu lama-lama".

Translation: Be patient. Since beginning, you are always different from others. When your friends pursued studies, you started working. People do this, you do that and that. So, be patient. When the time comes, I am sure you will find the way out. Get motivated and don’t give up. Stop feeling demotivated.

I totally agree with her. Therefore, I am trying to find my spirit to move me forward. Thinking about it, actually nothing is stopping or dragging me down in reality. It is just myself feeling shite. I just need to find the way to get myself moving and for a start, stop whining and be positive!

Yeap, that’s it from me now. Gambatte! Hahaha… I will write again in the future. Take care folks.

Salam w.b.t. and see you later.

 

P/S - I am thinking to go to Budapest or Barcelona during Christmas and New Year Holiday. But I don’t have plan in place. Anyone???

Five Days Later

Salam w.b.t.

How are you guys doing? I hope you all are doing great. Me? Alhamdulillah, not bad. Hehehe… In this entry, I would like to share my feedback to the Chief Engineer (CE) after our discussion 5 days ago. You guys can check the previous entry by clicking this link, An Emotional Discussion .In the morning, he entered to the training room and only me in the room. The rest of the members were not there yet. He asked me how am I doing and what is my decision? I was not ready to tell my answer and then I asked him, "Do we have to discuss it now?". He said, it is up to you. I said to him, "I will tell you after class". I was not ready to tell him yet, plus I don't want other members hear our discussion. He then asked, "You have reached your decision? I just want to know, are you going to stay or move on?". It was a quick question and I shook my head although it was not the thing I wanted to do. I want to nod, but I don't know. Maybe it was a reflex action, as I was not prepare to answer. He looked a little bit disappointed, then the CE said, "Alright, it is your call". Seconds later, all the members came and the class went as usual. Before the class dismissed, I told him I will let him know properly and he said yes, do email him. Later in the afternoon, I emailed him and below is my answer.

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~ Email to CE

Firstly, my apologies for my reaction on Monday, it was due to panic. Actually, I have a lot of things to discuss on Monday but I cannot spit the words properly. So, I jumped straight to the main point. From the discussion, you asked me, ‘Where I will be in the next three years? I cannot answer the question and at the same time it gave me a different perspective. Yes, I admit I do not have a proper plan if I decide to move on.

Before I started my degree, I like to deal with numbers and love everything about the aircraft. Other than its huge size, I like the situation where the investigators like NTSB will come together to determine the factors when the airplane failed to function properly or crash. I want to be like them. Unfortunately, the opportunity to learn about the aircrafts and join the aviation sector was not available at that time. After 5 years, the opportunity is here and that is why I am dilemma. It is either to stay with what I have (degree) or do something new, which is aviation. I believe you know that during my degree, I did mechanical and a little bit about offshore stuffs. Right now, I realised that I am in my comfort zone and it is my habit to play on the safe side. That is why I said offshore is my passion when you asked me.

It all started on last Friday, when you brought your theses to the class and I have a chance to peek at it. When I look at it, it intimidated me and throughout the weekend I keep asking myself whether I can produce something like what you did in one year. I also went through the university websites and check all the relevant things. I understand that it is not about producing the thesis only, it is about learning process and what a person can contribute after completed the study. Going into aerospace is a whole new level for me and I am not sure if I have the capabilities to produce high quality of dissertations and contribute back to the company, industry, and community as a whole. It is just that I am afraid the feeling of going to the UK then regrets and disappoint people.

Thank you for giving me some time to rethink my decision and not tell Matthew. Although it seems frightening (in my opinion), I think I want to stay and see how far I can go. I hope it is fine with you.

Regards,

Siti Nor Atiqah

~ Reply from CE

Well done; Good to know that you have decided to carry on with the programme. I am glade that you had a good think and were able to derive at a conclusion rationally.

Feel free to come over and have a chat any time.

All the best.

Shai

****

Basically, it tells what happened, why I reacted that way, and how I decided to carry on. So, the readers have an insight on this matter. Although I am not 100 per cent sure of my decision, I think it is the best option at this instance. Well, we never know what lies in the future. I have several plans, but I don't think I want to share it now. Anyway, I hope I will achieve what I am longing for in my career. Although you all have no idea what I am up to, please, pray for me to be able to achieved them. I will share it with you guys when the time comes.

Alright, I guess that is all from me. Take care of yourself and see you guys in the next entry. Bye and Assalalamualaikum.