Another Year, Another Number

Salam w.b.t and hi all.

Reaching 24 years old on the last three days, I get to know myself better.

Trust

I trust people easily, new friends and even a stranger. Yes, I am an idiot for trusting people easily. Every time I meet a new friend, I would love to think they are like a baby. You know, they are ‘white’, pure, nice and no bad side. Yeah, too ambitious right? Anyhow, that is how I want people to think of me, positive. Treat others like how we want to be treated, shall we?

Unfortunately, too much trust I give to people has taken its toll on me. Many events, but it is better to keep it to myself. My mother always advised me to be careful, different people have different heart. However, with the increase of my age, I am learning about people and from my experience. Hopefully, I will be wiser each day.

Style, Fashion, and Me.

Goodbye fashion and style. I am a cave girl. Jajajaja…

When I am angry,

When I am angry, I will be quiet. It is not I don’t have anything to say, it is I am trying extremely hard to stop bad words which are racing hard to get out from my mouth. Otherwise, I will kill others with my words, which I don’t fancy to.

When I am envy,

When I am envy to a specific person, I would not talk to that person for a certain amount of time. I would say I am taking some time to persuade or "pujuk" my heart. Weird, right? That’s how woman deals with her broken heart, I guess.

When I am waiting,

I cannot deal with a lateness or waiting for someone/something that is late. My blood will be pumped very, very, very fast when this happen. Impatient, yes I am. But, when you said meeting at 3 pm, 3 pm it is. It is not that at 3 pm you just started moving your ass from your chair. Understand?

I am stubborn.

This is a fact. I can tolerate on certain things, and also got certain things which I could not tolerate. For example, when you force me to do something I don't want. Let me give you an example, a colleague asked me to go somewhere to monitor the project progress. This fella kept forcing me, I don’t want. When I said I don’t want, means I don’t want. Period.

Anyway, I don’t blame this fella, it is in my DNA to against when people pushing me. But, it takes some arts if you want me to do something which against my willingness. People who understands me know the arts I mentioned.

I am not good in terms of social life

I am not good at maintaining relationship with others. I don’t know why, but when I befriended with a similar person for a long time, I will get boring. Let say, I meet that person every single day for six months straight, I will be boring. Seriously dull. I need to meet people, meet new people. I still got friends, but not many. Anyway, based on an online personality test, I am an introvert kind of person.

I think that online test was a fake. So, dear my future husband if you are reading this, believe me, the test was not genuine.

Routine

Falling into same routine every single day will kill me slowly. Nevertheless, at the moment I am trying my best to make myself calm and composed. I would love to see and experience something extraordinary every single day. So that I can reflect what I have gone through before I go to sleep and think what can be done better next time.

I think that’s all I want to share about myself. Some may take this entry as a way to understand me better, like understanding the reasons why Atiqah is so annoying. Some others may take this as disadvantage to manipulate me. Yeah, whatever.

Either way, I hope you have fun reading this. Hehehe…

Salam w.b.t and chow!

P/S – Who got extra money and don’t know how to spend it? Please, bank it to my account. I need money. PM me for details J

Harga Diri

Salam w.b.t dan hai semua.

Perasan tak?

Dalam kehidupan seharian kita, kita pasti akan ketemu dengan orang yang mesti kena berteman. Kalau tak berteman, atau dilihat keseorangan, mesti dianggap macam pelik atau kera sumbang, pada firasat dia.

Sebab itu, ada sesetengah orang akan berusaha gila-gila untuk membuatkan dirinya diterima dalam kelompok orang ramai.

Misalnya, seorang pemuda pada asalnya berambut hitam sisir tepi, dan berpakaian kemas apabila keluar bertemu rakan-rakan. Tetapi, bagi memastikan dia dikira sebagai “geng” dan nampak kamceng dengan kawan-kawannya, maka mulalah mengubah penampilannya.

Contohnya, rambut perang, pakaian pun ala-ala hipster, itu tak kira lagi lenggok bahasanya.

“Sial”, “Bodoh”, “Fuck”, dan lain-lain sering meniti di bibir, kononnya, barulah dikatakan COOL.

Pemudi pun tak dapat lari dari senario ini.

Kalau sebelum ini, rambut hitam lurus dan berpakaian sopan seperti kebanyakan gadis Melayu. Namun, nak mengelakkan diri tergolong dalam golongan kebanyakan, maka diubahlah penampilannya. Diwarnakan, dipakaikan topi ala-ala musim winter di atas kepala, disarungnnya skinny jeans. Kemudian, dilaunglah sekuat-kuatnya, “Aku UNIK”.

Golongan Muslimah pun tak terkecuali. Lahirlah Hijabster, Turban-ster, Kpop-ster. Macam-macam lah, -ster. Iyalah…mengikut peredaran zaman. Tidak mahulah dikatakan perempuan Muslimah ini jumud dan terkebelakang.

Itu baru dari segi penampilan. Hakikatnya, banyak aspek dalam diri manusia diubahsuai hanya untuk memastikan diri diterima dalam kelompok tertentu.

Hairan. Begitu mudah terpengaruh..

Kagum. Begitu banyak usaha, material, dan wang terbuang hanya untuk membuatkan diri diterima masuk dalam kalangan yang dikatakan, “GENG”.

Ya, mungkin juga masih mencari identiti diri. Mencarilah, kerana ia tak pernah dilarang.

Namun, janganlah dikorbankan perkara yang satu ini.

Iaitu, harga diri.

P/S – Kerana dirimu begitu berharga ;D

Anxiety

Salam w.b.t and hello folks,

Recently, I have difficulties to breath. I can feel my heartbeats become irregular. Also, I can feel my heart like wants to pop out from my chest. Sometimes I feel a headache. These symptoms does not happen at all time, but it takes place once in a while. I thought it was due to the haze that happens in Malaysia.

So, last two nights, I went to a clinic.

I explained to the doctor and she also checked my blood pressure, pulse rate, oxygen level, and others. From her finding, everything seems normal. The oxygen I breathe is around 99 percent, which is normal.

Then I asked her, “Why sometimes I feel my heart was pumping so fast and it was like the heart wants to tear my chest and get out? Is it possible because of the air quality currently caused my situation?

The doctor said, “Well, according to the readings here, all is normal. Maybe what caused you felt like that is the anxiety. However, I will give a medicine to enhance your breathing flow”.

“Owh, ok”, I replied.

Then I went out and waiting for my medicine.

Since then, I keep wondering. Yeah, wondering. Why do I feel those?

I think the doctor might be right.

Anxiety.

I will add some more.

Worry.

Afraid.

Most of them are negative feelings.

I think I spent most of my times by feeling anxious and worrying.

I have been distressing on many things at most of the times. I can feel my health starts deteriorating lately although it is unable to be proven on medical aspect. I don’t know, I just can feel it and I cannot help to avoid from feeling it.

I dislike it when I am in anxious state. It makes me grumpy, feeling I-don’t-care, and always want to say “fuck-off” to people. But the “fuck-off” thing did not exactly come out from my mouth, instead I said, “I don’t care, you settle this thing on your own”, which is not usually my style at work.

Therefore, judging on my conditions, I requested for 2 days leave from work from the doctor. Unfortunately, she only gave me one. Then, it is fine by me. One is better than nothing.

Yesterday, I just rested at home. It did not help much because last night, the syndromes I mentioned before attacked me. I did not feel comfortable, I kept changing places. From room at the back, to the front, to the kitchen, toilet and other rooms. To avoid my mother from asking, I pretending move here and there while doing some stuffs. This went on for like 20 minutes, and lastly I decided to try to sleep.

Yes, I manage to sleep but with tonnes of anxiety.

I don’t know what to do.

I know, as a Muslim turn to Allah SWT and seek His help. But yeah I think this might be His call for me to come back to him…but still, I can’t help it.

I think I need a break and take a short vacation to somewhere peace.

I really need to find a piece of mind, motivation, and new spirit.

P/S – Nothing interesting to ps. Oh got one, I just finished reading the Martian. Interesting story, the author maybe someone who used to work at NASA.