Anxiety

Salam w.b.t and hello folks,

Recently, I have difficulties to breath. I can feel my heartbeats become irregular. Also, I can feel my heart like wants to pop out from my chest. Sometimes I feel a headache. These symptoms does not happen at all time, but it takes place once in a while. I thought it was due to the haze that happens in Malaysia.

So, last two nights, I went to a clinic.

I explained to the doctor and she also checked my blood pressure, pulse rate, oxygen level, and others. From her finding, everything seems normal. The oxygen I breathe is around 99 percent, which is normal.

Then I asked her, “Why sometimes I feel my heart was pumping so fast and it was like the heart wants to tear my chest and get out? Is it possible because of the air quality currently caused my situation?

The doctor said, “Well, according to the readings here, all is normal. Maybe what caused you felt like that is the anxiety. However, I will give a medicine to enhance your breathing flow”.

“Owh, ok”, I replied.

Then I went out and waiting for my medicine.

Since then, I keep wondering. Yeah, wondering. Why do I feel those?

I think the doctor might be right.

Anxiety.

I will add some more.

Worry.

Afraid.

Most of them are negative feelings.

I think I spent most of my times by feeling anxious and worrying.

I have been distressing on many things at most of the times. I can feel my health starts deteriorating lately although it is unable to be proven on medical aspect. I don’t know, I just can feel it and I cannot help to avoid from feeling it.

I dislike it when I am in anxious state. It makes me grumpy, feeling I-don’t-care, and always want to say “fuck-off” to people. But the “fuck-off” thing did not exactly come out from my mouth, instead I said, “I don’t care, you settle this thing on your own”, which is not usually my style at work.

Therefore, judging on my conditions, I requested for 2 days leave from work from the doctor. Unfortunately, she only gave me one. Then, it is fine by me. One is better than nothing.

Yesterday, I just rested at home. It did not help much because last night, the syndromes I mentioned before attacked me. I did not feel comfortable, I kept changing places. From room at the back, to the front, to the kitchen, toilet and other rooms. To avoid my mother from asking, I pretending move here and there while doing some stuffs. This went on for like 20 minutes, and lastly I decided to try to sleep.

Yes, I manage to sleep but with tonnes of anxiety.

I don’t know what to do.

I know, as a Muslim turn to Allah SWT and seek His help. But yeah I think this might be His call for me to come back to him…but still, I can’t help it.

I think I need a break and take a short vacation to somewhere peace.

I really need to find a piece of mind, motivation, and new spirit.

P/S – Nothing interesting to ps. Oh got one, I just finished reading the Martian. Interesting story, the author maybe someone who used to work at NASA.