An Emotional Discussion

Today, I met the Chief Engineer (CE) at his office. I have something important to tell him and it is related to the Master and aerospace. I went to his office around 12.45 pm and my heart beating so hard, and my mind was all over the place. I was not sure whether it is a right decision or not, whether I should speak to him or not, should I just email him, and the list of questions went on and on as I walking towards his door.

A moment later I was standing at his door. He invited me into his office and I took a seat opposite to him. He is nice and always put a smile on his face, and it soothed me a bit. Nevertheless, I was still nervous and I was confuse.

ME: I need to talk to you. I am sorry if what I am going to say will surprise and disappoint you. I know you and others have spend a lot of effort, time, and energy to teach me. Thank you but I think I want to pull myself out from this program.

After I spit out what is on my mind, I feel a bit relieved but still anxious waiting for his reaction. A second later,

CE: Wow...that was unexpected. (From his response, I am entirely sure that he was not expecting what I was going to say)

Me: I am sorry for disappointing you. I just cannot leave without any words. I don't want to leave a bad impression to you.

CE: Yes, yes. I understand that. But, after all this time, why so sudden? What makes you change your mind? May I know what is going on?

When he started to ask me all these questions, my tears started to roll down my cheeks. I cannot control it, and I let it flow and I cried in silence. Thus, I cannot speak even a word. It was embarrassing but what can I do at this circumstance? I simply cannot run away from his office. 

I was so disappointing with myself because I have to make this decision and I feel terribly bad because disappointing him. He is a very good mentor and I am sure it is hard to find anywhere in the world a great mentor like him.

CE: Have you speak to anyone about this?

Me: No, you are the first I spoke to.

CE: What about your parents? Have you speak to them?

Me: Yes, but my mother insisted me to carry on with this program. However, I am confused. It is like me, only me against the current. I got an offer from another company. It is 12 months contract, compared to Strand. It needs three years contract. I don't know, I am not sure.

CE: Ok. May I know which company offers you?

Me: Sime Darby Plantation Division.

CE: I see (He took a deep breath). Would you like to do something with your tears? I am sorry, I don't have any tissues (while looking around his desk).

Me: No, no...that is fine. I am good (while trying my best to control my tears).

CE: Ok, I know what you are going through. Oh, my mistake, I should not have said that. I understand what you are going through but only you knows what is happening.

I just kept silent throughout the conversation since I cannot speak a word. I only answer yes, no, nod or shake my head because I was stammered and I tried my best to process what he was saying. He advised me and give a lot of guidance. Actually, he said a lot of things and I just cannot put them into words here. I will just make it short and sweet. After giving a long advices, we finally reached to a conclusion.

CE: At some points of your life, you have to make a decision and different decision will have a different consequence. But it is your responsibility to decide and I don't have any rights to stop you if you already make a decision. It is your call and I cannot interfere it. I am here to guide you only.

Me: Yes, I know. I am so sorry for being so stupid. I am just confused and I don't get a proper guidance in solving this matter. I am afraid of what will happen in the future.

CE: Yes, that is fine. I am glad that you come and talk to me. At least I have an indication on what disturbed you. Well, take some time to rationalise yourself. I know it is hard to make a proper decision when you are not rational.

Me: Alright. Thank you and I will rethink my decision (At that time, I can start to control my tears. Oh man, I felt so bad).

CE: No worries. We will have a chat again in one week or you can drop me a line (He gave me his business card). I will not tell Matthew about this.

Me: Ok, thanks. I will. Yes, please keep this between us. Do not tell Matthew yet.

CE: Yes, yes. I will.

I dashed out from his office a second later, it might looks so rude but I don't want to stay any longer. From afar, I heard he said, "Take care and have a nice day". He was so kind, but how can I have a nice day after this emotional discussion? Haha...silly me.

 I looked at my watch and it was 1.20 pm. Then, I directed my foot to praying room at the ground floor to perform Zohor prayer.