I am engaged!

Surprise! Yes, I am engaged. Hahaha...Pardon me. I forgot to mention, I am engaged but it is in a dream. Haha…

Please do not misunderstand the above statement.

Before I go any further, first of all, Salam w.b.t. and hello folks.

All of you must be wondering, what on earth has happened to me. In my previous entries, I always shared the updates that already past. In a simple way, the mode most of my entries are in "past tense". Right in this entry, I want to share the current updates about myself. In another word, this entry will be in "present tense". Well, nobody cares Atiqah. So, screw you.

At this moment, I am at the living room writing the post.

About health, Alhamdulillah, I am doing fine. Healthy mind and body, Alhamdulillah.

I have start working. Of course, not with Slb. I will never decline the opportunity to work with Slb, but for now it is better for me to start building my life from scratch. As a start, find a job and work. I got another company in Rawang and I work as a project engineer. I have been working there for three weeks now. The company is dealing with pressure vessels fabrication and tanks with various sizes and functions.

As a new comer, a lot of things need to learn and do. Most of the things went well, so far. The engineer I tag along known as Viki. He is nice and really helpful. Although I asked a lot of stupid questions, he still answer and teach me. Haha…Alhamdulillah, I am grateful because the people there treat me nicely. You know, some people even get cursed on the first day of their working. I am fortunate because I did not experience that. Well, if it happens in the future, it will be a whole different story.

For a start, Viki gives me the opportunity to take charge one project that has 4 pressure vessels. 4 vessels project is considered as a small project, because other engineers like Viki is in charge of 39 pressure vessels. Imagine that.. 

During the introduction, the male staffs asked me what my status is. I know they are just fooling around and I understand that really well. Since I will be dealing with men and working in the environment dominated by men, I don’t want to mix personal matters and work. I would prefer to keep it formal. Thus, I have decided to put a clear boundary to differentiate this and I had my answer prepare beforehand. 

So, when they asked, "Are you married or single?". I answered, "I am already engaged", in the meantime behave like I am reluctant to reveal my status. They just nodded and said, "Oh man". So, end the story about my status. Otherwise, if I said "single", they might ask a lot of questions and the story will be much longer. I am afraid things could go wrong in a long term. In my point of view, this is also like a self defense mechanism. I don't want people particularly men to pay 'extra' attention to me like what happened during my internship. I don't want the history to repeat itself.

Besides, I am inexperienced in handling this matter and I am not yet ready to take this kind of risks. Frankly, I don't really like to discuss this matter in public and I am not ready to jump into this situation. So, if a new person or strangers ask me this, I will gladly say, "I am engaged". I think this question is typically asked by Malaysian, not others. Back in Australia, no strangers asked me. Thus, I did not have to do anything to hide my status.

My mother also advised me, "If you want to hide about your marital status, that is fine by me. However, make sure you do not go overboard".

"Alright mother, I got it".

Well, my mother also used to do similar what I do. After my father passed away, we always moved from one house to another. One residential area to another, from one state to another, and kept changing schools. Then, whenever the neighbours asked my mother questions like, "Where is the husband?", "What your husband do for a living?", my mother's answers was, "He is outstation. Seldom come home". Yeah, something like that. At first, as a kid, I do not understand why my mother did that. After some time, I got it. She wanted to protect us as well as herself. For instance, when we settle down in a new housing area, we sure got a lot of attentions from people, good and bad people. If bad people like robbers know there was no male in our house, and all are girls, anything could happen. Besides, my mother was also working and none to take care of us after we got back from schools. Thus, this was a method to defense our family.

Apart from I am already working, not much going on right now. Oh, I forgot. My youngest sister, Adek came back for a study break last week. She stayed for less than a week, and go back to her Uni. last Thursday. Currently, she is facing a trouble to find a place to stay for the next semester despite many extra activities she involved. She also did not see this coming, and she need to find a place to rent and money is the limiting factor right now. I cannot do much for her as I also just start working and yeah, money. I am sure you can imagine my situation right now.

Angah is also trying her best to get money from everywhere. She joins the online contests, competition, radio ads, and many more. She also apply assistance from Lembaga Zakat Selangor. However, not much luck now as we are not pure Selangor heritance. My mother is a Malaccan, my father was from Pahang and all three of us were born in Kuala Lumpur. So, too many "No" in this circumstance. Hopefully, there will be rezki for us somewhere, in a new future.

In terms of social, not much happen. I met Fakrul in person for the first time. He is also another Slb-new-hired. We used to contact through Fb only and last week we met face-to-face. I can say, although it was the first time meeting, it is like we understand each other quite well as we go through similar shit together. Also, Kamel, new hire also contacted me. I am quite relieved as he also know what type of shit I go through as he also experience similar. What we are doing is, we are trying to support each other at the moment. It does helps me to overcome negative feelings that appear in myself once in a while. I know I will just have to keep holding on and sure Allah S.W.T is preparing a great present for me. I am confident His  gift will be unveiled in the near future. Aisyah also contacted me once in a while and I really appreciate that, Aisyah. Thank you!

Erm, what else…

I don’t think I have any more to share. I think that's all for now. Take care of yourself and be nice to others. As we never know what kind of struggles other people is going through, thus never make it worse by treating them badly. Be kind and gentle.

Kak Daeng and I at Rottnest Island back in 2011

Salam w.b.t and chow.

P/S - Keep holding on folks.

Battle I got into

Salam w.b.t and hello readers.

Let me be honest, it took me a huge effort to share this post. I have wrote this entry weeks ago, but I was not ready to publish it until now. You will understand the reason behind this after you finish reading it.

I have been struggling since weeks ago, my motivations gone, my hopes shattered, I was dead inside out, literally. For some time, I did not have a word, sentence, or idea on how to describe what I have gone through. In a simple word, I was lost.

I got my AU visa in early of April, which was a great thing. One week after I got my visa approval, the Slb recruiter called me on Wednesday evening. I was expecting updates about when I can start working as all documents were ready, all onboarding processes already completed. I was so pumped to work my ass-off and gain money. I do not have any more money, while bills, debts are waiting to be paid.

When I answered the phone call, I heard the recruiter cleared his throat and I did not like the sound of it. No, actually I hate it very much. I immediately asked him, "Is it a good or bad news?". Basically he said, "Both". He broke the news, by the time, my mind was everywhere. I did not cry at the time, I tried to calm myself down and listen carefully but I lost track of everything.

Let me just put it in a simple way, the company decided to give me a new assignment. New assignment means, new location and all the onboarding process will have to start all over again. Start all over again, which means the waiting game will be extended to a certain period of time. I don’t think I can afford to wait any much longer, my patience is at the edge, and we are running out of money.

I kept asking, "What should I do?", "What should I do?", "What should I do?". Repeatedly. He explained the options several times. I am sure, I did not mean the question for him. It was more to myself. I went blank, numb and I cannot think of anything else other than the responsibilities on my shoulders that are getting heavier than ever.

"I don't know what to say".

"I didn't see this coming".

"I feel like knocking my head on the wall".

"I am disappointed".

I said to him.

"You have every rights to feel this way. I know this is very disheartening, you can take your time. But, after a day or two, please pull yourself back together". He continued talking whatever, but my mind was no longer there. 

By the way, this recruiter is really good at talking. I mean, the new recruiter. If he is a car salesperson, I would have buy the car he sell regardless the conditions and price.

My mother was also listening to the conversation and she pretty much got the idea of what was going on. Tears wetted her eyes and cheeks. After the call, I shivered and dropped to the floor. I felt like everything has been taken away from me harshly in a blink of an eye. It was also a really heartbreaking moment to see the disappointments in my mother's eyes. No, it was not the disappointments, but it is more on her fear of what lies ahead in the future.

My future, her future, my sister's future. I am her hope, I am the one who should stand up for her. I can see her world caved-in.

This news really shook my faith, "O Allah, what is happening?".

From that moment onwards, I don't know what to do, what to think, and every cells in my body chose not to cooperate with me. Whereas my mother decided to spend time alone, most likely to cool herself down. I totally understand that and I did not want to interrupt her.

We were in grief, in our own way.

Despite the news, I said to Allah SWT in my prayers, "Whatever happen, please Allah SWT, help me. Help me, guide me. I am totally helpless. Please help me to reach Khusnul Khatimah. I want to success in this world and hereafter. Strengthen me and help me. I am no longer can stand seeing my mother's tears and disappointments. It torn my heart to pieces. I cannot bear any more disappointment".

The next day in the morning, I still did not know what to do, how to react to this unexpected event, whom should I consult. My heart is still beating in the chest, but I did not feel alive. I was lost, and I need someone to discuss with.

One person I can really, really trust is Kak Daeng. I shared the recent news with her, from A to Z. I clearly know she also just recovered herself from several challenges, but her reactions to me does make me absolutely touched. From that moment, I know, she is my friend for life. She is my sister. She helped me countless times before, and every time she helped me, I become more certain that I want our friendship lasts till jannah, InsyaAllah. She advised me on several things and shed some light on what I can do. What she said are things that I kind of expected, but it feels good to have someone to say it again. It does lighten the burden a little when I shared the problems with her.

Since that day after, I decided to shut myself off the world for a while. I need to refocus and recover myself from this unanticipated event. Yes, tears still wetted my eyes once in a while, I could not avoid it. 

About five days after that, for a start, I emailed the recruiter to recheck several things because I did not really focus on our last conversation.

So, where am I now?

I am still in the battle, wounded, but I will never give up in fighting my way through.

P/S - Great friend is not the one who you took the selfie with the most. Great friend is the one who you can turn to regardless in happy or difficult situations and pray for you in secret. Lets strive to be a great friends to our friends, shall we?

Five Days Later

Salam w.b.t.

How are you guys doing? I hope you all are doing great. Me? Alhamdulillah, not bad. Hehehe… In this entry, I would like to share my feedback to the Chief Engineer (CE) after our discussion 5 days ago. You guys can check the previous entry by clicking this link, An Emotional Discussion .In the morning, he entered to the training room and only me in the room. The rest of the members were not there yet. He asked me how am I doing and what is my decision? I was not ready to tell my answer and then I asked him, "Do we have to discuss it now?". He said, it is up to you. I said to him, "I will tell you after class". I was not ready to tell him yet, plus I don't want other members hear our discussion. He then asked, "You have reached your decision? I just want to know, are you going to stay or move on?". It was a quick question and I shook my head although it was not the thing I wanted to do. I want to nod, but I don't know. Maybe it was a reflex action, as I was not prepare to answer. He looked a little bit disappointed, then the CE said, "Alright, it is your call". Seconds later, all the members came and the class went as usual. Before the class dismissed, I told him I will let him know properly and he said yes, do email him. Later in the afternoon, I emailed him and below is my answer.

****

~ Email to CE

Firstly, my apologies for my reaction on Monday, it was due to panic. Actually, I have a lot of things to discuss on Monday but I cannot spit the words properly. So, I jumped straight to the main point. From the discussion, you asked me, ‘Where I will be in the next three years? I cannot answer the question and at the same time it gave me a different perspective. Yes, I admit I do not have a proper plan if I decide to move on.

Before I started my degree, I like to deal with numbers and love everything about the aircraft. Other than its huge size, I like the situation where the investigators like NTSB will come together to determine the factors when the airplane failed to function properly or crash. I want to be like them. Unfortunately, the opportunity to learn about the aircrafts and join the aviation sector was not available at that time. After 5 years, the opportunity is here and that is why I am dilemma. It is either to stay with what I have (degree) or do something new, which is aviation. I believe you know that during my degree, I did mechanical and a little bit about offshore stuffs. Right now, I realised that I am in my comfort zone and it is my habit to play on the safe side. That is why I said offshore is my passion when you asked me.

It all started on last Friday, when you brought your theses to the class and I have a chance to peek at it. When I look at it, it intimidated me and throughout the weekend I keep asking myself whether I can produce something like what you did in one year. I also went through the university websites and check all the relevant things. I understand that it is not about producing the thesis only, it is about learning process and what a person can contribute after completed the study. Going into aerospace is a whole new level for me and I am not sure if I have the capabilities to produce high quality of dissertations and contribute back to the company, industry, and community as a whole. It is just that I am afraid the feeling of going to the UK then regrets and disappoint people.

Thank you for giving me some time to rethink my decision and not tell Matthew. Although it seems frightening (in my opinion), I think I want to stay and see how far I can go. I hope it is fine with you.

Regards,

Siti Nor Atiqah

~ Reply from CE

Well done; Good to know that you have decided to carry on with the programme. I am glade that you had a good think and were able to derive at a conclusion rationally.

Feel free to come over and have a chat any time.

All the best.

Shai

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Basically, it tells what happened, why I reacted that way, and how I decided to carry on. So, the readers have an insight on this matter. Although I am not 100 per cent sure of my decision, I think it is the best option at this instance. Well, we never know what lies in the future. I have several plans, but I don't think I want to share it now. Anyway, I hope I will achieve what I am longing for in my career. Although you all have no idea what I am up to, please, pray for me to be able to achieved them. I will share it with you guys when the time comes.

Alright, I guess that is all from me. Take care of yourself and see you guys in the next entry. Bye and Assalalamualaikum.