Battle I got into

Salam w.b.t and hello readers.

Let me be honest, it took me a huge effort to share this post. I have wrote this entry weeks ago, but I was not ready to publish it until now. You will understand the reason behind this after you finish reading it.

I have been struggling since weeks ago, my motivations gone, my hopes shattered, I was dead inside out, literally. For some time, I did not have a word, sentence, or idea on how to describe what I have gone through. In a simple word, I was lost.

I got my AU visa in early of April, which was a great thing. One week after I got my visa approval, the Slb recruiter called me on Wednesday evening. I was expecting updates about when I can start working as all documents were ready, all onboarding processes already completed. I was so pumped to work my ass-off and gain money. I do not have any more money, while bills, debts are waiting to be paid.

When I answered the phone call, I heard the recruiter cleared his throat and I did not like the sound of it. No, actually I hate it very much. I immediately asked him, "Is it a good or bad news?". Basically he said, "Both". He broke the news, by the time, my mind was everywhere. I did not cry at the time, I tried to calm myself down and listen carefully but I lost track of everything.

Let me just put it in a simple way, the company decided to give me a new assignment. New assignment means, new location and all the onboarding process will have to start all over again. Start all over again, which means the waiting game will be extended to a certain period of time. I don’t think I can afford to wait any much longer, my patience is at the edge, and we are running out of money.

I kept asking, "What should I do?", "What should I do?", "What should I do?". Repeatedly. He explained the options several times. I am sure, I did not mean the question for him. It was more to myself. I went blank, numb and I cannot think of anything else other than the responsibilities on my shoulders that are getting heavier than ever.

"I don't know what to say".

"I didn't see this coming".

"I feel like knocking my head on the wall".

"I am disappointed".

I said to him.

"You have every rights to feel this way. I know this is very disheartening, you can take your time. But, after a day or two, please pull yourself back together". He continued talking whatever, but my mind was no longer there. 

By the way, this recruiter is really good at talking. I mean, the new recruiter. If he is a car salesperson, I would have buy the car he sell regardless the conditions and price.

My mother was also listening to the conversation and she pretty much got the idea of what was going on. Tears wetted her eyes and cheeks. After the call, I shivered and dropped to the floor. I felt like everything has been taken away from me harshly in a blink of an eye. It was also a really heartbreaking moment to see the disappointments in my mother's eyes. No, it was not the disappointments, but it is more on her fear of what lies ahead in the future.

My future, her future, my sister's future. I am her hope, I am the one who should stand up for her. I can see her world caved-in.

This news really shook my faith, "O Allah, what is happening?".

From that moment onwards, I don't know what to do, what to think, and every cells in my body chose not to cooperate with me. Whereas my mother decided to spend time alone, most likely to cool herself down. I totally understand that and I did not want to interrupt her.

We were in grief, in our own way.

Despite the news, I said to Allah SWT in my prayers, "Whatever happen, please Allah SWT, help me. Help me, guide me. I am totally helpless. Please help me to reach Khusnul Khatimah. I want to success in this world and hereafter. Strengthen me and help me. I am no longer can stand seeing my mother's tears and disappointments. It torn my heart to pieces. I cannot bear any more disappointment".

The next day in the morning, I still did not know what to do, how to react to this unexpected event, whom should I consult. My heart is still beating in the chest, but I did not feel alive. I was lost, and I need someone to discuss with.

One person I can really, really trust is Kak Daeng. I shared the recent news with her, from A to Z. I clearly know she also just recovered herself from several challenges, but her reactions to me does make me absolutely touched. From that moment, I know, she is my friend for life. She is my sister. She helped me countless times before, and every time she helped me, I become more certain that I want our friendship lasts till jannah, InsyaAllah. She advised me on several things and shed some light on what I can do. What she said are things that I kind of expected, but it feels good to have someone to say it again. It does lighten the burden a little when I shared the problems with her.

Since that day after, I decided to shut myself off the world for a while. I need to refocus and recover myself from this unanticipated event. Yes, tears still wetted my eyes once in a while, I could not avoid it. 

About five days after that, for a start, I emailed the recruiter to recheck several things because I did not really focus on our last conversation.

So, where am I now?

I am still in the battle, wounded, but I will never give up in fighting my way through.

P/S - Great friend is not the one who you took the selfie with the most. Great friend is the one who you can turn to regardless in happy or difficult situations and pray for you in secret. Lets strive to be a great friends to our friends, shall we?